Fresh Start: Journey to Health
I've been putting off writing this post for really long time because, honestly, it terrifies me. But, you know what they say about things that scare you that they make you stronger and better in the end. So, here we go to personalville.
Here's a lesser known fact about me, I have a problem with myself. Everyone has their insecurities and faults they find in their selves, but for me it's been most of my life. This all stems down to my weight. That is my biggest insecurity, and I've never really known how to accept my body at any stage. I've always seemed to repress it and put myself down. Telling myself things like "If I were 30 pounds slimmer, people would like me more." When in all reality, I wasn't looking for people to like me, I was looking for a way to love myself.
In another post, I wrote about my struggles with food addiction. I went from constantly thinking about food every second of the day, and always wondering how much food I would have at my next meal to being sickened by the thought or smell of food and even purging it up at the end of the day. I literally went from one extreme to the next and found myself losing over 70 pounds. And you know what? I had this great body, but I couldn't see it and I wasn't happy. I really had this great distaste against myself. I still didn't like myself one bit. I was so caught up with how I looked that I forgot the people around me, the ones who I loved most. My every thought became how much cardio I would have to do in order to have a negative calorie consumption for the day. Although, I realize it's important to be aware of what we are putting in our bodies, that was my every thought that literally controlled my life. This was all through highschool, as well, where a girl's self esteem is threatened by the amounts of dates she goes on and how popular she is. On top of being insecure about my weight I developed severe cystic acne, and ended up having to go to the dermatologist. I got put on birth control for my acne. Let's just say birth control doesn't like my body, and I ballooned right up to my heaviest weight. I was devastated! All that "hard work" of starving myself had gone down the drain, and I was back to a size I hated. I hated the way I looked, but now that I look back on it that was a blessing in disguise. I wasn't treating my body right, and without that medication I would've gone further down the road of a severe eating disorder.
Here I am, starting my journey over again, but doing it the right way. Instead of defining my worth based on how I look, and not feeling like I measure up until I lose all the weight, I'm going to love my body through every stage. So, here's the start of the journey to a healthier life, mentally and physically.