I am a Lost Sheep

First of all, this title isn't really what you think it is and we will go into a lot of explaining. So hold onto your horses, and let's gooooooooooo.

What do you do when you take Nyquil at 12:00 PM on a sunny Tuesday afternoon? I  continued watching the Royal Wedding and by 12:30 I was zonked out. At about 3:30 I was awake, drowsy, but  I'm still awake. And I've been awake ever since. Which at this point, it's a whole, let's say, 18 hours later (guessing, because I don't want to do the math), I'm still WIDE AWAKE!  I have a silly little cold, that I am making a bigger deal than it should be, so I just wanted to knock myself out and sleep.

Disclaimer, reasons why I was up the whole night.. 1. I took way too long of a deep sleep kind of nap 2. I passed 7 lives on Candy Crush and had a 6 hour life streak. Candy Crush, it'll get you every single time!  and 3. I started Arrested Development on Netflix.

Fast forward to 5 o'clock this morning I hopped on to the gram (Instagram). Flipping through the stories, because honestly I don't watch everyone of them! There's a lot, and ain't no body got time for dat. But apparently I have enough time to stay up for 18 hours, seriously the irony here!

Lo and behold I stumble upon one of my favorite bloggers/vlogger/all around superstar Al Fox Carraway. Seriously, can I just tell you how incredible she is?!? Fun fact, I met her once, she did a fireside in our town and she was INCREDIBLE. Any who, she does these vlogs where she tells about her life every week, and at the end she has a little photo montage and a saying of what she learned that week. It is seriously so profound. Go and check her out!

Well in her latest ones she moved away from Utah and back to New York, because God had been prompting her and her husband for 5 years that's what they needed to do. They tried numerous times to move back in those 5 years, but the time just wasn't right. Then one day it was. And it hit me like a ton of bricks, I've got to get back to God, I've got to rebuild my relationship with Him so that I can receive those revelations for our little family, which is just the two of us, but still.

I realized, I am a lost sheep in a way. Maybe not super biblical, because let's be real I am just a girl typing her thoughts and feelings, this is in no way doctrine. Maybe just something to think about. In the doctrine they talk about the "lost sheep" being those we have strayed away from God and Jesus. My interpretation of it in my religion is that the lost sheep where those who weren't LDS. Which I think in a way is false. Here's my own definition/explanation of it. Think of going to the grocery store and you can't find your mom. You were already with her, you already know her, she's your mom. You're just lost. I think that's the exact same way with our Father in Heaven. With my beliefs everyone on this Earth chose Jesus' plan, that's why we are here and have bodies, therefore we knew God before we even came to Earth. It all began with a choice, our choice. I believe we don't just make a choice to be here and are all good and chill with God and no matter what we do in life are saved just because we are on this Earth. My theory is that since I have the choice to be on this Earth, that I have the choice every single day to become closer or to drift away and get lost in a sense.

The fact of the matter is, religion is personal, those beliefs are personal. Now, I'm an active LDS member, I realize that my beliefs are different then most people, I acknowledge that spirituality is personal, and that's the way it should be! I've lived my whole life being a "molly mormon". I've never really done anything my religion has thought was bad. But I still wasn't close with God. One thing I have realized lately is I wasn't allowing myself to really connect with God one on one. I was saying repetitive prayers when I remembered to pray, I was attending church, seminary, institute, you name it and I did it. But here's one little catch, I wasn't allowing myself to learn from it because I was doing it merely for the acknowledgement from others. Don't get me wrong,  these are all great things, and I have felt the spirit on numerous occasions. But my heart wasn't in it and I didn't have that relationship with God that I was longing for.

For me, I get more out of my spirituality  when it is personal. When I can crawl on my knees and beg to the Lord to just give me a break, when I'm able to sit at the little kitchen table in my home in the wee hours of the morning and just listen without the fuss of the world lingering over me, that's when I feel my Father in Heaven the most.

My little message today,  isn't to deter you from doing the good things. Instead it is just a reminder to slow down, breathe, and listen to what God is trying to tell you. Remember conversion is personal, religion isn't a contest of who can go to the most classes or be seen the most, it's about you and God. Don't worry about what others think of you, instead build that relationship, expound on it, and you will find even though you may have been living a seemingly "perfect" life before, you will find strength and comfort KNOWING HE IS YOUR FATHER!

PS. I'm going to be adding thought videos to the end of the posts. So give it a listen!